Dear Diary, It’s 3 A.M and I’m In a Commited Relationship With Insomnia!

Listen, I’m not asking for much. I just want to go to sleep like a normal person. Is that so difficult? Apparently, yes. Because every night, without fail, my brain decides that it’s Rave O’Clock, featuring intrusive thoughts, regret, and an existential crisis DJ set.

I would like to formally request a refund on sleep. Or at least, I’d like to speak to the manager of the human body because whoever designed this sleep system needs to be fired immediately.

I mean, honestly, how is it that I can fall asleep effortlessly during the day—at work, in class, in the middle of a conversation I don’t care about—but the second my head hits the pillow at night? Suddenly, my brain wants to be the main character.

So here I am, once again, documenting my ongoing war with sleep because, dear reader, this is not a battle I am winning.

Every night, my bedtime starts off with good intentions. I put my phone away, turn off the lights, and get comfortable.

And then my brain is like:

• “Hey, remember that embarrassing thing you did in 2014?”
• “What if you never accomplish anything in life?”
• “What do jellyfish think about?”
• “Maybe you should get up and rearrange your entire bedroom.”

And suddenly, it’s 3 AM, I’m watching a YouTube documentary about the fall of the Roman Empire, questioning my entire life, and wondering if I should take up pottery.

Meanwhile, my body is exhausted, but my brain is on caffeine and lies and refuses to shut up. It’s like my mind is a toddler throwing a tantrum, and I am the overwhelmed parent trying to get them to bed.

Spoiler: The toddler wins every time.

Just when I think I might finally fall asleep, my brain decides that now is the perfect time to bring up my worst fears.

• “What if someone breaks in?”
• “Did I lock the door?”
• “Did I turn the oven off?”
• “What if my house is secretly haunted?”

So now, instead of sleeping, I have to get up, check all the locks, stare at my oven like an idiot, and make sure my house isn’t possessed.

And even after doing ALL of that, my brain is like, “Okay, but what if you missed something?”

Brain, please. Let me sleep.

Sometimes, I actually manage to drift off to sleep. And just when I think I’ve finally escaped into dreamland, I wake up at exactly 2:47 AM for absolutely no reason.

Why?

Is there a secret government meeting happening in my brain at that hour? Is my body just checking in like, “Hey, just making sure you’re still alive. Okay, back to suffering!”

And then comes the real betrayal.

I’ll be lying there, perfectly still, waiting to fall asleep again, when suddenly…

SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON MODE: ACTIVATED.

Meet My Sleep Paralysis Demon, Chad

At this point, I’d like to introduce you to Chad.

Chad is my sleep paralysis demon. We have a complicated relationship.

Every now and then, he decides to drop by uninvited, perching at the foot of my bed like a gothic gargoyle, watching me struggle in terror.

And let me tell you, the level of disrespect Chad has for me is unreal.

Me: Just trying to sleep peacefully.

Chad: “Sup. Mind if I stand in the corner menacingly?”

Me: Can’t move, can’t scream, trying to telepathically tell Chad to LEAVE.

Chad: “Cool, cool. Just gonna sit here and radiate bad vibes.”

And why do sleep paralysis demons always pick the most cursed poses? Chad could just sit in a chair like a normal guest. But no. He has to crawl on my ceiling like a possessed spider or stand in the doorway like a horror movie villain.

Like, bro. Do you pay rent? No? Then get out.

After battling insomnia all night, I eventually lose consciousness out of pure exhaustion. And then...

Morning arrives.

Do I wake up feeling refreshed? Energized? Ready to take on the day?

No. I wake up feeling like I got hit by a truck, then reversed over. Twice.

Every single morning, my body creaks like an ancient door, my brain is wrapped in a layer of fog, and I immediately start counting down the hours until I can sleep again.

And yet, when nighttime comes, my brain suddenly has the energy of a caffeinated squirrel.

It’s a vicious, never-ending cycle of suffering.

Things I Have Tried to Fix My Sleep

At this point, I have tried everything:

✅ Chamomile tea. Tastes like depression, did nothing.
✅ Meditation. Just made me more aware of how annoying my thoughts are.
✅ No caffeine after 2 PM. Hilarious. That rule lasted 12 hours before I gave up.
✅ Reading before bed. Accidentally stayed up until 4 AM because the book was too good.
✅ Melatonin. Slept for 10 hours. Still woke up tired.
✅ Screaming into the void. Therapeutic, but still awake.

At this point, I am convinced that sleep is a scam, and I am simply not meant to experience it the way normal people do.

So here I am, yet again, writing this at an ungodly hour, knowing full well that tomorrow, I will regret all my life choices.

But if you, dear reader, also suffer from insomnia, just know that you are not alone.

We are in this together. A sleepless army of overthinkers, night owls, and sleep paralysis victims.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go Google ‘why do I wake up at 3 AM for no reason’ for the 400th time.

Until next time, fellow sleep-deprived disasters. 💀