Living With Humans: A Survival Guide

 Dear Readers,

It has come to my attention that many of you, like me, are forced to coexist with humans. This is not a lifestyle choice. This is fate. And while I do not approve, I have learned much from my time observing these strange, hairless creatures.

Today, I present to you a survival guide.

Take notes.

Rule #1: Never Trust Sudden Silence

If your human is quiet, something is wrong. Silence means:

• The vacuum cleaner is being prepared.

• They are rearranging furniture (again).

• They are thinking about touching your belly.

Remain alert. Keep one eye open at all times. Even during naps. Especially during naps.

Rule #2: Cry Like You Mean It

Humans are weak. Emotionally fragile. One well-timed scream at 3 a.m. can:

• Secure extra food.

• Summon attention.

• Assert dominance.

Do not scream randomly. Scream with purpose. With conviction. With soul.

Rule #3: Sit on What They Need Most

Laptop. Book. Important papers. Their chest when they are late for work.

This is not sabotage. This is bonding.

Humans seem to believe they own objects. Incorrect. If I sit on it, it is mine. If I stare at it, it is spiritually mine.

Rule #4: Accept Treats, Reject Accountability

When your human offers you a treat after “accidentally” stepping on your tail, accept it.

Eat it slowly. Make eye contact.

Forgiveness is optional. Guilt is mandatory.

Rule #5: Remember—You Are Not the Problem

Humans will say things like:

• “Why are you like this?”

• “You were fed already.”

• “Please stop knocking things over.”

These are lies they tell themselves.

You are reacting appropriately to an unpredictable world filled with noises, expectations, and closed doors. Stay strong.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my human has stood up, which means she is either going somewhere without me (unacceptable) or opening something (suspicious).

Stay vigilant,
Mochi, Survivor of Human Coexistence